Waiting for my Dad to die

I am currently going through a difficult time… I was recently informed that my Dad, which I call Papi, may be in his death bed now. He has been living in a nursing home and was not eating well.. His potassium level was elevated . He was rushed to the hospital. Now his kidneys are failing and is dehydrated and the doctors gave him a 15-20% chance of survival .

This is hard . I’ve never had anyone so close to me in the process of dying . It’s incredible the amount of emotional pain this brings. Although I’ve not seen him for many years , it still hurts a lot . I have my moments of calm and serenity , but then there are the other moments of pure sorrow and grief. I think about the few times we spent together and the things I learned from him. It wasn’t much actually , since my parents were separated and then divorced most of my life. But it still causes a great deal of sadness not being able to see him like he once was.

I once wrote a post about grief, which i define as feeling sorry for missing the lost person. And I can admit I feel sad and distraught, not because my Dad is necessarily suffering, but because I miss him. I wish I would have spent more time with him. I wish I would have known him and that my children would have known him more.

So now I’m waiting. Waiting for some news about his recovery or his departure. It is torture is some way. But I feel confident that he will be in a peaceful place now.

Update: I received the dreadful news that Papi passed away… I’m distraught . I have crying spells . Can’t concentrate half of the time. But I’m doing ok. Sometimes I wonder if this is a test. An accident. Or a teaching moment.

I just attended his funeral and burial. It’s hard to see my brothers and mom crying. It is a moment I’m never forgetting. Wish I could’ve spent more time with Papi. I feel I did not get to know him . Life’s circumstances prevented me from seeing him more often. He wasn’t part of most of my life .

Yet I miss him and wish I could have at least say goodbye to him.

Miss you, Papi.

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The state of (my) existence

I have been living what can be considered an existential crisis for the last five years or so. I have been relinquishing a lot of old ideas and beliefs that I held in my younger life. The introduction of the practice of mindfulness , and the idea of emptying my mind has been a new way of being.

No longer do I strive for happiness , for it always brings disappointments, since it depends on the ever changing circumstances. I have come to accept and live the here and now more . Although moments of irritation triggered by everyday worries and daily demands have not been absent, I have also been encouraging myself to look at the bigger picture .

The idea of a higher being is now more mystical and obscure, since I have adopted a more liberal path in finding meaning in this existence. I’m no longer bound by the traditional concepts of today’s western religions. I have expanded my views and decided to be more inclusive regarding alternative world views and live in the present moment.

Minimalism has also been my latest inspiration. I have recognized that less is truly more. That having more leads to wanting more. It has been also my latest motto in this existence, since abundance and prosperity have proven to be unfulfilling and meaningless .

Simplicity has also been my companion in the midst of the chaos. Perceiving this existence simply has motivated me to live fully and in peace. Letting go of vanity and useless desires has truly freed me from unnecessary addictions . I have come to conclude that living a simple life is much more fulfilling than always seeking for complicated reasons for living.

I have also questioned the existence of the “self” and the real nature of time. Perhaps I am one many cells that compose one larger organism. And time may just be a fabricated idea in our minds.

This state of “my” existence has been a new adventure and a blessing at the same time. It shall continue to be my newest journey .

Thanks for reading .

Is the Solution to Gun Violence more Guns?

Is the solution to wild fire more fire?

Is the solution to domestic violence more violence ?

Is the solution to bank robberies more robberies ?

Is the solution to alcoholism more alcohol?

Is the solution to war casualties more wars ?

Well then if the answer is no,

Why would the solution to gun violence be more guns ?

Ten Reasons why Life could actually be Meaningless

1. Nobody knows with absolute certainty the purpose of this existence.

2. Most people create their own meaning based on individual, cultural experience, with no clear evidence on an objective , collective purpose .

3. We are just beginning to understand the origins of human nature and our place in this vast universe.

4. Nature does not always follow a consistent and organized pattern. It is often chaotic.

5. Nature does not depend and does not seem to care about human condition.

6. We are all going to die, regardless of how much we accomplish and learn in life (and how much we try to ignore and deny it).

7. Nobody knows with certainty what happens to consciousness or the “soul” after we die.

8. Innocent people , children and adult , continue to randomly suffer and die out of starvation, natural disasters, and human caused wars . Do they deserve to die or is it simply chance?

9. The earth is billions of years old, and human race has existed only during a miniature fracture in this planet’s lifetime .

10. All organized religions that are based on the belief of a deity (s) claim to be the only right path to the true purpose of our existence . Who knows which one is right ?

There you have it. I could be wrong and completely out of touch with what is truly the purpose of this life , but this has been my experience so far .

Any thoughts?

My “Near Death” Experience

Well, today I did something stupid .

I was waiting for our new dryer to be delivered all day. While I waited, I grabbed the new power cord I purchased the day before and tried to plug it in the wall socket to see if it would fit .

I then saw the heavens open in front of me. What I mean was that there was a spark coming out of the socket while trying to plug in the new cord. I jumped.

To my surprise, there was no damage to the wall or myself (that I know of) . I then noticed that the other end of the cord has three metal rings that (dumb me) were touching each other while attempting to plug the other end. They are not supposed to be touching while connecting it to a power source. Here is the result .

So, I read some You Tube videos about what causes sparks to occur while plugging in dryer cords. I then learned that this kind of electrical occurrence could have killed me.

Literally.

So I took a deep breath and counted my blessings.

I was then anxious the rest of the day because I wasn’t sure if the dryer was going to even work. Or if the wall socket was going to need replacement. The delivery guy finally came at the end of the day and I explained what happened. He must be an angel because he was nice enough to provide a new power cord and install it himself. For free.

I hooked up the dryer and, so far, it works.

Lesson learned.

Thanks for reading.

Why are we still having a shitty president lead our country?

Why are we still having a shitty president lead our country ? Why are we continuing to tolerate an obvious racist and xenophobic person work at the Oval Office? Why do his supporters keep justifying and defending his shitty comments? Why do we still allow the so called “leader of the free world” insult the people and the poor countries they come from seeking a better life? How much more embarrassment are we going to endure?

Why do We the People of the United States of America have to have this shitty man represent our great nation? Why do we have to take his derogatory remarks about our family , our neighbor, and our friends who came from Haiti, El Salvador, and many African nations , and wherever else people come from that don’t happen to be prosperous countries?

Did we forget when he mocked a reporter with disability during the campaign? Did we forget the remarks he made about sexually assaulting women? Did we forget about the ridiculous statement he recently made about having the “good old global warming” help us during this cold season? Have we noticed all the people who have been fired and who resigned from this man’s administration ? Did we forget about the controversial FBI investigation regarding Russia’s involvement with last year’s election? Do we see the constant war he has with the media and anyone who dares to oppose his shitty behavior?

Why are we still having this?

Why do we even exist?

What is this existence but a breeze that comes and goes?

Sometimes I cannot help myself but question why do we even have to die at the end. No matter how much I try to justify death by saying that we can live in the moment and that this life has to end, for a reason, it still hurts sometimes.

I work with a mentally ill person who was also diagnosed with terminal cancer.  She is hardly aware of her surroundings and her current condition.   I feel so bad for her because she is almost like a child, except that now her hair is falling because of the chemotherapy that she has been receiving.   It is truly a depressing situation.

So I question myself again, what is the point of all this? Is this a learning experience? A big test ?

We suffer so much anxiety and depression in our lives, that it sometimes feels unbearable.  It encompasses us to the point of defining who we are. Should we allow our pain define us? What would we be without our memories?

I’m currently living the fall season of my existence … soon I will start living winter. I am falling slowly and stepping closer to the end of my existence . My grayish hair and growing wrinkles are a reminder of my mortality .

But I have no choice but to accept it.

Embrace it.

Simply live the moment the best way I can.