Accepting the inevitable 


It is so hard to admit what cannot be denied.  It is difficult to accept that this life has an end. But it is a step that we all must take in order to live a full life. 

My dear mom asked me the other day:  “And what if he gets worse ? ”  She was referring to my Dad who is currently in a nursing home and who is deteriorating rapidly.  And my response to her sounded cold and harsh.  I said , “He is going to get worse.”  

 But it is the reality.  It is simply what we all must face eventually and live peacefully with our mortality.

  I don’t want it either.  I want all of us to continue to live on.   Forever.  But what I want is not always what needs to happen. 

We will all eventually meet our destiny. We will have to say good bye to many loved ones. 

We will have to face the ultimate experience. 

We will have to accept our mortality. 

Shifting gears: developing a new perspective in life 

Beginning to explore new ways of seeing this existence we call life.   Starting not to care so much (or at all) about what others think of me.  Letting go of an unexplained anger that is consuming me.  Learning to say goodbye to decaying loved ones without regrets.  Living each moment peacefully. 

 These have been my latest challenges.

I don’t want to continue to live through the motions.  I am beginning to realize that caring about what others think about me is very detrimental… it can limit how much I can be myself.   Because that’s what I want to be: myself.   Manifest my talents..  Express my opinions freely.   Do what I love.  Accept my limitations. 

I am not getting any younger, so I am taking a new shift in my life. 

Whether people like it or not, I am moving forward in my journey.   I am not stopping unless it is completely necessary.  Maybe a pause here or there to deal with pain and suffering that life brings sometimes. But on a continuous path to growth and enlightenment.   

I am tired of pretending . I am tired of hesitating and waiting for something to happen or to come.  I am moving forward.

 I am introverted , and that is not a disability or a problem. It’s just the way I am.   It is also a label, like many labels we put on ourselves to try to make sense of this senseless world.  To try to identify with something … to belong to something.  

But I will express myself more freely. More assertively.  

Thanks for reading. 

There will be more. 🙂

Papi, what is happening to you?: The unforgiving reality of old age


Visiting my Dad , whom I call Papi in Spanish, has been a sweet and sour experience.  I came to visit him in Puerto Rico for a few days… because I miss him and  I wanted to see him again.

During the time I spent with him during these few days , I start questionning again the absurdity of this existence.   What is, if any, the purpose of this life ?  Why are we born to simply die and cease to exist at the end?

Papi was an active man who worked very hard, had many friends and went to many parties.  He was known as having a good sense of humor and making jokes all the time.  He always dressed up with the latest fashion and style.  Papi often took good care of his belongings, particularly his hair.    He also has been a jovial and friendly individual.  He laughed hysterically and made jokes with his friends about politics and life in general. He enjoyed drinking with friends and eating spicy food.

He went to the army for a short period of time, but he often reminded us of his military routine.   Papi married my mom and had four sons.  He worked hard at a pharmacy warehouse . I remember visiting him at his job which was upstairs.   Papi would buy me candy and sandwiches “medianoche” for mid morning snack.   He also taught me one time how to ride my bike, how to take a shower, and how to clean my shoes.  He was very particular about his personal belongings.


Now most of that is gone.  He can barely walk and is more forgetful.  He is in his late 70s and does not eat very much. He is retired and can barely take care of himself.  It’s almost like he has become a different person.   It makes me wonder,  what is happening to my Papi?

In spite of the changes, he continues to do certain things that shows glimpses of who Papi really is. He enjoys doing word search puzzles.   Papi sometimes still makes the kind of jokes he used to make.  He remembers most of his family members and friends.

I can’t help but to question again the reason for this existence.   The purpose of us living in this state of awareness we call “life” if at the end it is going to be gone.  My Papi was a jovial and active man.  Now he is a weak and serious old man.   Like the winter that comes and takes away all the beauty of the trees and the flowers and the sunshine, so does old age take away the sunshine that I often found in my Papi.   Will there be a spring after this?

Most of Papi is already gone.  Most of what he reflected has faded away.

I guess Papi is not completely gone.  At least not in my heart.

Don’t Criticize 

If you are going to criticize me, first I ask that you try to put yourself in my shoes and consider all the stuff that I go through. If you’re still going to express your opinion, you can then give me some constructive feedback, but do so in a respectful way. If not, then I’m not going to listen and deal with any issues you may have with me.

I will continue with my journey in whatever way I choose to,  because I refuse to be intimidated by anyone. I am not going to be manipulated by your disrespectful and empty words. I refuse to accept any responsibility for what you think about me. Keep your misery to yourself. So close your mouth and continue your way.


Have a nice life. 

Life summarized 

This existence seems to be merely an awareness based on fabricated thoughts and individualized perceptions we call “reality” that dictates most of our behaviors.  This overall existence called “life” is mostly preferred over the notion of “death” because we usually don’t want to acknowledge the inevitable end of this perceived existence.

We choose what we believe, many times without realizing it, and continue our existence as if what we believe is an ultimate truth.   We deceive ourselves with fantasies and illusions that nourish our egos and makes us feel secure and important… but it is all an attempt to distract us from our destiny: death.

We tend to want to belong to some kind of group and community , creating societies, in order to feel secured and protected (trying to recreate the experience inside the womb).   But we often fail to realize and accept the fact that we are simply deceiving ourselves.  Unconsciously afraid of facing the reality of our mortality.

And because of this profound fear, we continue our journey of biased perceptions attempting to maintain a state of awareness we call “happiness”, not realizing that it depends solely on circumstances that we choose to cherish.

This existence is slowly decaying and shutting down.  This awareness will eventually cease to be present and we will  not even know it has happened.  All we can be aware of is what is experienced at the present moment.  Right now.

Think about it.

 

 

 

Dissecting reality

dissection_tools1

We create our own worlds in our minds… We create images and ideas in our minds, which creates our realities.   .. When we like someone, it is not the person itself but the idea that we have of the person that we like. When we go through some difficult situation, it is the interpretation or the idea of the situation that we dislike. Everything we experience is through our interpretations, our ideas.  So I have learned to break down my ideas and images. So I have started to dissect what we call “reality.”

I see people driving down the road in high speed, and my first instinct reaction is to get mad at them.   But then I ask, why am I choosing to be mad?  What thoughts and perceptions do I have about people driving fast that are triggering the anger?  Then I find no good reason to feel anything, except to be cautious.

Then I have a disagreement with my spouse, and she withdraws.  I also isolate myself in rebellion.   I automatically feel upset and nervous, but then I question the reason why I feel so anxious.  What am I afraid of?   Argument?  Separation?  Being alone?

The next day I may be at work and trying to meet a deadline.  I feel anxious that I may not do the job on time.  Then I stop myself and rethink.  I take a deep breath.  I dispute the reason why I may be feeling anxious.  What is the worst that could happen?  Is there a need to feel this anxious?

I look back at all the things I have learned to take for granted.  I have taken a second look at all the things I thought were simply “normal” and “acceptable”.  And I start questioning them.

Assumptions.  Beliefs.  Customs.  Expectations.  Discriminations.   Family traditions.  Habits.  Ideologies.  Myths.  Obsessions.  Religions.   Social rituals.  Values.  World views.

They all can be taken apart… dissected.   They all can be questioned and dismissed.  We don’t have to adopt any of them if we don’t really want to.

They are all in our minds.

They all can be dissected.